i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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