so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
