But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
