My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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