Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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