nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
