I think im going to throw up on grandma
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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