I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
