Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
