Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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