my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
