The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
