Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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