There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
