i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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