Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
