Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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