lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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