We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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