My hand turned me down
We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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