Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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