I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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