It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
