I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
