By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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