M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
