Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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