i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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