bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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