he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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