im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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