fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
