remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
