Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
