ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize