Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
