He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
