the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
