How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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