I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I had to cum in my sink.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
