Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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