Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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