You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
