Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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