I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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