i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
