could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is my gift to your gina
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
