There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
