you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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