did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
