So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
