K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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