i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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