So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
