After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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