just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drunk is a universal language darling
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