Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
