My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize