U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
