Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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