Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize