Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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