The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
